Thursday, April 18, 2013

P is for People You Encounter in Retail

When I worked at the Big Fancy Resort, I interacted with a wide array of people, most of whom clearly had personality disorders and deeply ingrained emotional issues.  Many of them were literal embodiments of stereotypes that I previously didn't believe existed in real, flesh-and-blood life.  Here is a nifty guide for properly identifying some of the common people you will encounter in a place such as the Big Fancy Resort, and what to expect from them.

Tacky Rich Lady



Identifying Features:  Despite having all the advantages a rich husband and/or divorce settlement can buy, still manages to look like a train wreck.  Never met an animal print she didn't like.  Sequins are the staple of her wardrobe.  Gravitates toward the hideous items you thought were never going to sell.  Tries on everything in the store five times in front of the mirror because of crippling self-doubt.  Perpetually annoyed facial expression.

Frequently Asked Questions:  Does this look good on me?  Is this on sale?

Enjoys:  Dieting; tanning salons; amassing credit card debt.

Hates:  Animal cruelty; earth tones.

Embittered Career Woman



Identifying Features:  Spent years clawing and backstabbing her way to the top only to discover that she still hates herself.  Hasn't slept more than four consecutive hours in over a decade. 

Frequently Asked Questions:  Winners don't ask questions.  Winners make demands.

Enjoys:  Berating service personnel; waiting for her Botox to kick in; finding new ways to deprive her ex-husband of joy.

Hates:  Laughter; youth.

GIRLS NIGHT!



Identifying Features:  Raucous and full of margaritas, these ladies will ransack your store in a matter of minutes.  The moment one of them asks you a question, her friend will interrupt because she found something SO CUTE.  As soon as you finish ringing up one of their purchases, the others will convince her to exchange one of the items for something completely different.

Frequently Asked Questions:  Are you sure you don't have four more of these in the back somewhere?  Are you sure you handed my credit card back to me?  It's okay if we have our drinks in here, right?

Enjoy:  Mani-pedis; chocolate; "retail therapy"; giggling; backhanded compliments.

Hate:  Exes; their children (secretly).

Confused Tourists



Identifying Features:  Wandered here after being told they "HAD to see the Big Fancy Resort" before they left Asheville.  Have been trying to find the bathroom for three hours.  Cannot grasp why everything is so expensive.  Endlessly fascinated by every "fancy" detail.

Frequently Asked Questions:  Why is everything so expensive?  Can we tour the spa?

Enjoy:  Free parking; buffet-style dining; air conditioning.

Hate:  Walking; standing in the sun for any length of time; all these kids walking around with weird haircuts.

Emasculated Husband




Identifying Features:  Sends you an apologetic glance after his wife throws a tantrum in your store, but for the most part, all traces of personality withered away long ago.  Now spends his days trudging doggedly under the weight of purses and shopping bags, only vaguely aware of his surroundings. 

Frequently Asked Questions:  Can I get that on the rocks?

Enjoys
:  Days when his wife needs some "girl time"; imagining the sweet release of death.

Hates:  Opening his credit card bills; waking up in the morning.

Persnickety Older Man



Identifying Features:  Rare but to be dreaded, this man rivals even the bitchiest of women.  Specifically wants mauve pants.  Longs to return to a simpler time when sales clerks would shine his shoes for a nickel.

Frequently Asked Questions:  Why does everything in here have your logo on it?  Why would I want to wear your logo?  Don't you know of any places in town that have mauve pants?  Isn't that your job?

Enjoys:  Mani-pedis; scoffing; freshly ironed chinos.

Hates
:  The riffraff this resort is letting in these days; open-toed shoes.

~*~

I hope this has been educational and informative.  And remember, if you were particularly offended by one of the portraits, that just means you are that person. 

19 comments:

  1. ha! perfect!

    you forgot one though: the mom/ parent who lets their kid run amok and does not bat an eye when items for sale are broken or destroyed by their precious offspring. (I can only assume that this will be saved for tomorrow's letter "Q" post: Questionable Parenting Methods?)

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    1. There will definitely be a sequel to this post at some point. There were several others that I wanted to include but didn't have time, and that is one of them!

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  2. I love your pictures and descriptions. I, personally, know some of all these people. Totally accurate. AND so funny!!!

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  3. The frequently asked questions were my favorite part. I have heard most of them many times, and I've never even worked in a fancy resort. I have at least one of each in my own family. None of them are me. :)

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    1. Me too! Sometimes I'm in a store with someone and I suddenly hear them asking one of those questions... and all I can think is, "I'm SO glad I'm not the one working in here."

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  4. Oh no. I think at various points, I've been almost ALL these people. Sorry about that.

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    1. I wouldn't worry about it... these people would probably not be self-aware enough to even realize that. :)

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  5. Ha love it, my hubby might be the emasculated husband....only kidding I'm not that bad...am I?

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    1. Does he have a hollow, dead look in his eyes? That's the best way to tell. ;) But I'm sure he's totally not dead inside and is in fact burning with eternal love for you.

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  6. Am I a stereotype? I'm scared now.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I think if you're still able to ask whether or not you're a stereotype, you're automatically not a stereotype. So you're safe! Yay!

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  7. I'm a stereotype but I have my reason, okay? But I'm not one of these!

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    1. That's okay, I have been known to embody five or six different stereotypes on any given day.

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  8. Ha! Sooo true! Glad you are going to give us a part 2. The rich, bratty tweens and teens are probably who I find most annoying...ugh!

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    1. The tweens could be (and might end up as) an entire post of their own. I actually have more funny tween stories from when I worked at the toy store. We would do "letters to Santa," and all the tween girls would ask for boyfriends. Like there is some kind of creepy people-making factory at the North Pole.

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  9. I've worked retail. I know all these types. You're spot on! love it!

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    1. I'm so glad to hear you say that! I kept worrying that I was forgetting some important detail or something. It's really hard to sum people up in a paragraph.

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  10. mauve pants...hehe. I actually seen all these and I am pretty sure when I am drunk I probably act like one of the drunk girls..sigh, I am sorry!

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    1. Sometimes the drunk girls were actually the easiest ones to deal with. At least they were in good moods!

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