Tacky Rich Lady
Identifying Features: Despite having all the advantages a rich husband and/or divorce settlement can buy, still manages to look like a train wreck. Never met an animal print she didn't like. Sequins are the staple of her wardrobe. Gravitates toward the hideous items you thought were never going to sell. Tries on everything in the store five times in front of the mirror because of crippling self-doubt. Perpetually annoyed facial expression.
Frequently Asked Questions: Does this look good on me? Is this on sale?
Enjoys: Dieting; tanning salons; amassing credit card debt.
Hates: Animal cruelty; earth tones.
Embittered Career Woman
Identifying Features: Spent years clawing and backstabbing her way to the top only to discover that she still hates herself. Hasn't slept more than four consecutive hours in over a decade.
Frequently Asked Questions: Winners don't ask questions. Winners make demands.
Enjoys: Berating service personnel; waiting for her Botox to kick in; finding new ways to deprive her ex-husband of joy.
Hates: Laughter; youth.
Identifying Features: Raucous and full of margaritas, these ladies will ransack your store in a matter of minutes. The moment one of them asks you a question, her friend will interrupt because she found something SO CUTE. As soon as you finish ringing up one of their purchases, the others will convince her to exchange one of the items for something completely different.
Frequently Asked Questions: Are you sure you don't have four more of these in the back somewhere? Are you sure you handed my credit card back to me? It's okay if we have our drinks in here, right?
Enjoy: Mani-pedis; chocolate; "retail therapy"; giggling; backhanded compliments.
Hate: Exes; their children (secretly).
Identifying Features: Wandered here after being told they "HAD to see the Big Fancy Resort" before they left Asheville. Have been trying to find the bathroom for three hours. Cannot grasp why everything is so expensive. Endlessly fascinated by every "fancy" detail.
Frequently Asked Questions: Why is everything so expensive? Can we tour the spa?
Enjoy: Free parking; buffet-style dining; air conditioning.
Hate: Walking; standing in the sun for any length of time; all these kids walking around with weird haircuts.
Identifying Features: Sends you an apologetic glance after his wife throws a tantrum in your store, but for the most part, all traces of personality withered away long ago. Now spends his days trudging doggedly under the weight of purses and shopping bags, only vaguely aware of his surroundings.
Frequently Asked Questions: Can I get that on the rocks?
Enjoys: Days when his wife needs some "girl time"; imagining the sweet release of death.
Hates: Opening his credit card bills; waking up in the morning.
Persnickety Older Man
Identifying Features: Rare but to be dreaded, this man rivals even the bitchiest of women. Specifically wants mauve pants. Longs to return to a simpler time when sales clerks would shine his shoes for a nickel.
Frequently Asked Questions: Why does everything in here have your logo on it? Why would I want to wear your logo? Don't you know of any places in town that have mauve pants? Isn't that your job?
Enjoys: Mani-pedis; scoffing; freshly ironed chinos.
Hates: The riffraff this resort is letting in these days; open-toed shoes.
I hope this has been educational and informative. And remember, if you were particularly offended by one of the portraits, that just means you are that person.