Thursday, May 16, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Grocery Guilt
Friday night, I did something I never, ever do. I went to the grocery store on my way home from work. This is a recipe for disaster, because I'm always starving after work, so I want to buy every single food item I see, and I'm also exhausted, so I don't have the strength or willpower to argue with the little voice in my head that says, "Get those tulips. They'll look so good in the front flower bed. You deserve to come home after a long day at work and see an aesthetically pleasing flower bed. What is work for, anyway, if not to earn money with which to buy tulips?"
But I had a coupon that expired that day, so to the grocery store I went, with an empty stomach and very low resolve.
And thus I came home Friday night laden with reusable bags and shame.
Seriously. Of all the things I bought, fewer than half could be eaten as an actual meal. This is how I end up with lunches that make no sense. My co-workers come to work with nice, neat little containers of things to eat for lunch, like sandwiches, or a healthy vegetable stir-fry, or leftover pizza. I bring a huge bag of cheese puffs, a jar of peanut butter, a handful of caramel corn, and if I'm feeling really responsible, an apple.
The good news is, I don't feel guilty about it anymore, because the moment I dumped my bags of failure-groceries on the kitchen counter and started lamenting my spending habits and personal choices, Hubs revealed something awesome.
Ultimately, it all comes down to priorities. Some people like eating from all the food groups. Hubs would rather buy 82 packs of Ramen for $5 and play Skyrim. As for me, I don't mind eating cheese-filled tortillas for every meal and continuing to wear the same pair of sandals I've already glued back together twice, as long as I can have chocolate ice cream with swirls of marshmallow and caramel and tiny fish-shaped fudge pieces.
Having low standards is really the key to happiness.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Z is for Zombie Bob!
It occurred to me that a lot of you might not have met Zombie Bob yet.
Zombie Bob got fired from his corporate job after contracting a mysterious virus that rendered him incapable of uttering any words other than "brains."
As you might imagine, Zombie Bob's condition makes it hard for him to interact with non-zombies.
Oh, and he might or might not have eaten some small children one time.
So now you've met Zombie Bob. He hasn't made an appearance in a while, but hopefully he will again soon. I still have some adventures in mind for him.
Sure, Zombie Bob. Sure.
Zombie Bob got fired from his corporate job after contracting a mysterious virus that rendered him incapable of uttering any words other than "brains."
 |
| WOW these drawings are old. |
As you might imagine, Zombie Bob's condition makes it hard for him to interact with non-zombies.
Oh, and he might or might not have eaten some small children one time.
 |
| I left that one sort of open-ended. |
So now you've met Zombie Bob. He hasn't made an appearance in a while, but hopefully he will again soon. I still have some adventures in mind for him.
Sure, Zombie Bob. Sure.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
X is for Xerxes I
Xerxes I was an ancient Persian ruler who kept it real.
LEADERSHIP…
When Xerxes I's older brother claimed the crown after the death of their father, Darius I, Xerxes I was all like, "That's mine, bitch," because Xerxes I was a man who knew how to be assertive.
AUTHORITY…
When a bunch of uppity Babylonians were like, "Hey, uprisings are fun," Xerxes I put them in their place by melting their sacred golden statue of Bel, because Xerxes I was a man who knew how to rule some Babylonians.
JUSTICE…
When Xerxes I was invading Greece and a storm destroyed his army's bridge across the Hellespont, Xerxes I ordered that backstabbing, two-timing river to be whipped 300 times, because Xerxes I was a man who knew how to punish a river.
VISION…
When Xerxes I's men burned Athens to the ground, Xerxes I ordered them to march right back over there and rebuild the whole thing, because Xerxes I was a man who appreciated the iconic Athens skyline.
PRIORITIES…
When word reached Xerxes I that those damn Babylonians were uprising again, Xerxes I abandoned his invasion of Greece and returned home, because Xerxes I was a man who would not be fucked with by Babylonians.
LEGACY…
Although he never finished invading Greece, Xerxes I went on to build some very impressive palaces and things, and his greatness is still remembered today.
Friday, April 26, 2013
W is for Welcome to My Blog
I seem to have picked up some new readers over the course of the A-Z Challenge. Yay! I feel like I need to personally reassure all of you that you won't regret this decision. Except that's not really a promise I can make, because the Internet is a fickle mistress, and sometimes I work on posts so long that by the time I publish them, I have no idea whether or not they're actually funny, so I just sort of throw them out there and hope for the best. Now I feel like I need to personally beg all of you for your hypothetical forgiveness just in case I need it sometime in the future.
However, in the event that I continue to post funny things and you like them, you might find yourselves thinking, "Wow, this blog isn't awful! I wish there were some way I could help it become famous and take over the world!" Well, you're in luck, because there is a way! If there is a post you really like, sharing it on social media is one of the most awesome things you can do. I even spent an afternoon putting little share buttons at the bottom of each post for Facebook, Google+, and Twitter. So even if your busy schedule doesn't allow time for tedious things like copying and pasting links, the buttons are right there! Many of you have already been using these buttons, and you guys are my special favorites.
And now, in the spirit of welcoming my new readers and thanking my long-time readers and giving us all a moment to take a breather after almost a month of non-stop alphabetical posts (okay, maybe this is mostly for me), here is a heartwarming recap of some of my personal favorite moments from the A-Z Challenge so far.
Incidentally, if you are some kind of magical wizard who somehow manages to have money in your bank account (Seriously, how are you guys doing that?! Wait, don't tell me, it will take away the mystery), all of those images have been added to the Haley's Comic store, as of 12:30 AM last night when I should have been sleeping. Just click on the picture or the caption to see stuff that has that drawing on it.
That's right, you can actually buy copies of the Pick-Up Line Performance Review to carry around with you and give to people. This is going to change the world, guys. And it will be hilarious.
Or if you're like me and all this "disposable income" sorcery is still eluding you, do what I do: If you see something you wish you could buy, post it on Facebook and hope some long-lost friend or relative buys it to surprise you. Hubs did that one time, and it got him an X-box 360. True story.
There are some other drawings I'm planning to add to the store as well, but I ran out of time. And I'll also put those drawings on more products eventually. If there are any other drawings you really like that you think would look good on a product, let me know!
However, in the event that I continue to post funny things and you like them, you might find yourselves thinking, "Wow, this blog isn't awful! I wish there were some way I could help it become famous and take over the world!" Well, you're in luck, because there is a way! If there is a post you really like, sharing it on social media is one of the most awesome things you can do. I even spent an afternoon putting little share buttons at the bottom of each post for Facebook, Google+, and Twitter. So even if your busy schedule doesn't allow time for tedious things like copying and pasting links, the buttons are right there! Many of you have already been using these buttons, and you guys are my special favorites.
And now, in the spirit of welcoming my new readers and thanking my long-time readers and giving us all a moment to take a breather after almost a month of non-stop alphabetical posts (okay, maybe this is mostly for me), here is a heartwarming recap of some of my personal favorite moments from the A-Z Challenge so far.
 |
| Stitching all these drawings together took forever and made my laptop really angry at me. |
 |
| I sleeked it up a little bit. |
That's right, you can actually buy copies of the Pick-Up Line Performance Review to carry around with you and give to people. This is going to change the world, guys. And it will be hilarious.
Or if you're like me and all this "disposable income" sorcery is still eluding you, do what I do: If you see something you wish you could buy, post it on Facebook and hope some long-lost friend or relative buys it to surprise you. Hubs did that one time, and it got him an X-box 360. True story.
There are some other drawings I'm planning to add to the store as well, but I ran out of time. And I'll also put those drawings on more products eventually. If there are any other drawings you really like that you think would look good on a product, let me know!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
V is for Vegetarian
I avoid telling people I'm a vegetarian. When I do finally have to mention it because someone is offering me meat or inviting me to a steakhouse, I cringe inside. Vegetarians get portrayed as preachy health-nuts trying to push their eating habits on everyone around them, but let me tell you, carnivores, plenty of you can be just as annoying.
So, do you eat chicken?
I am utterly horrified by the sheer number of people who literally do not know what meat is. Regardless of whether or not you eat meat, you should at least be able to identify basic food groups.
Look, you can have a salad!
If you are at a restaurant with a vegetarian, you do not need to assume personal responsibility for choosing their meal. Vegetarians have eyeballs and are perfectly capable of reading the menu.
Not to mention, vegetarians eat things other than salad. Personally, I eat non-salad foods on a regular basis, and I especially avoid eating restaurant salads. Most restaurant salads consist mainly of iceberg lettuce, which tastes like solidified water and has little to no nutritional value.
But how do you get enough protein?
I've been a vegetarian for almost six years, and I've managed to not only keep myself alive, but also to go hiking all the time without passing out, so obviously I'm getting protein somewhere. I am not going to list every source of protein in my diet for someone's personal edification and amusement, because that is boring and awful.
Why are you a vegetarian?
I feel like people expect me to have a long philosophical rant about the evils of meat-eating memorized and ready to be recited at any moment, but my reasons for being a vegetarian are pretty dull. Some people in my family have high blood pressure and high cholesterol and heart problems, and one day I thought, "Maybe if I don't eat meat I won't have to get my heart cut open someday." Although I must admit, when I see a cute animal, I do derive a tiny bit of satisfaction from knowing its muscle tissue will never end up in my digestive tract.
The reason that question annoys me is because the person is usually asking so that they can then proceed to argue with whatever reason I give. "Well, sugar isn't healthy, are you going to stop eating that too?" "Plants die when you eat them, doesn't that make you feel bad?" It shouldn't matter why I'm a vegetarian. Whether I did it because I thought it might be healthier, or because aliens came to my room at night and told me to, I shouldn't have to defend my reasons to anyone. I don't ask people why they eat meat, and I really don't care. We should all just eat what we want and not have to talk about it. If you want to spend the rest of your life eating mud soup, I support you! (Just don't offer me a bowl, because, gross.)
Now that you're all panicking and wondering if you've ever annoyed any vegetarians, let me reassure you:
1. You probably have annoyed them, but
2. It's not a big deal because they probably know you didn't mean to, or
3. They are harboring a deep personal grudge and plotting your imminent demise. Move to another state immediately, or even better, move to Siberia. No one goes to Siberia.
So, do you eat chicken?
I am utterly horrified by the sheer number of people who literally do not know what meat is. Regardless of whether or not you eat meat, you should at least be able to identify basic food groups.
Look, you can have a salad!
If you are at a restaurant with a vegetarian, you do not need to assume personal responsibility for choosing their meal. Vegetarians have eyeballs and are perfectly capable of reading the menu.
Not to mention, vegetarians eat things other than salad. Personally, I eat non-salad foods on a regular basis, and I especially avoid eating restaurant salads. Most restaurant salads consist mainly of iceberg lettuce, which tastes like solidified water and has little to no nutritional value.
I've been a vegetarian for almost six years, and I've managed to not only keep myself alive, but also to go hiking all the time without passing out, so obviously I'm getting protein somewhere. I am not going to list every source of protein in my diet for someone's personal edification and amusement, because that is boring and awful.
Why are you a vegetarian?
I feel like people expect me to have a long philosophical rant about the evils of meat-eating memorized and ready to be recited at any moment, but my reasons for being a vegetarian are pretty dull. Some people in my family have high blood pressure and high cholesterol and heart problems, and one day I thought, "Maybe if I don't eat meat I won't have to get my heart cut open someday." Although I must admit, when I see a cute animal, I do derive a tiny bit of satisfaction from knowing its muscle tissue will never end up in my digestive tract.
 |
| Now I'm afraid someone is going to be reading this while gnawing on a giant hunk of beef and be offended. Please don't stop reading my blog, beef-gnawing readers. I respect your life choices. |
The reason that question annoys me is because the person is usually asking so that they can then proceed to argue with whatever reason I give. "Well, sugar isn't healthy, are you going to stop eating that too?" "Plants die when you eat them, doesn't that make you feel bad?" It shouldn't matter why I'm a vegetarian. Whether I did it because I thought it might be healthier, or because aliens came to my room at night and told me to, I shouldn't have to defend my reasons to anyone. I don't ask people why they eat meat, and I really don't care. We should all just eat what we want and not have to talk about it. If you want to spend the rest of your life eating mud soup, I support you! (Just don't offer me a bowl, because, gross.)
Now that you're all panicking and wondering if you've ever annoyed any vegetarians, let me reassure you:
1. You probably have annoyed them, but
2. It's not a big deal because they probably know you didn't mean to, or
3. They are harboring a deep personal grudge and plotting your imminent demise. Move to another state immediately, or even better, move to Siberia. No one goes to Siberia.
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