Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Thanks Dad! Sorry We Lost All Your Money

I went to a casino with my parents last week. 

Casinos are full of old people, and people who look like crack addicts, but mostly old people in power chairs.  I guess when you've outlived all your loved ones and you're too decrepit to appreciate the beauty of the great outdoors, you cash in your hard-earned retirement checks and go gambling.

I kind of felt like I was at a funeral, except with lots of flashing lights.

Since I'd never been to a casino before, we thought the slot machines would be something easy I could do.

We were wrong.

We sat down at our slot machines.  Dad started giving me instructions, and I realized the slot machine required math, which made me instantly resent it.

Just as I was glaring at my slot machine in frustration, a tiny old lady appeared at the machine to my left.  She moved with such purpose and conviction, like she'd been doing this every day since the birth of the cosmos. With an expression of intense concentration, she used both hands to push buttons on each side of the machine in a complex pattern akin to morse code, and her machine responded obediently with a series of cheerful beeping noises.  I'm pretty sure she won about ten dollars.

She rose from her chair in a businesslike manner and hobbled away with a silent, arthritic grace.

At that point, I decided I was just going to push the same button over and over again until all my money was gone, out of pure spite.

Next time we're thinking about going to a casino, I'm going to suggest we do something a little more fun with our money.

And we won't even have to leave the house!


***Disclaimer:  I did not actually gamble with any of my own money.  I am still as broke as I claim to be.  My kind-hearted father, on the other hand, is out fifty bucks.

Monday, December 5, 2011

How to Not Caulk Your Bathtub with Construction Adhesive

Step 1.  Do not realize your shower door is leaking the day before you're supposed to have company for Thanksgiving.

Step 2.  Do not scramble to make a list of things you will need for your first-ever caulking job by Googling "how to caulk a bathtub," even though you need to leave for work in under fifteen minutes. 

Step 3.  Do not proceed to ask your husband to go to Lowe's to buy things on said list so that you will have more time to get ready for work.

Step 4.  When your husband returns from Lowe's with a tube of something that doesn't have the word "caulk" anywhere on it, do not accept his explanation that it "has to be caulk because it was in the caulk section."

Step 5.
  Do not get home from work at 7:30 PM and start caulking your bathtub even though you're really tired and you still have some misgivings about this weird tube of stuff that does not claim to be caulk. 

Step 6.  Do not assume that using a caulk gun will require anything less than godlike upper body strength.  More importantly, do not start thinking about the fact that your eighty-two-year-old grandfather re-caulks his bathtub all the time and you can't even squeeze this stupid trigger with your pathetic stick-arms.

Step 7.  Do not put down the caulk gun so that you can slump against the shower wall for a moment, sweating and gasping for breath, only to look down and discover that a steady stream of (what you still believe to be) caulk has been oozing onto the floor of your bathtub because you didn't loosen the twisty-thing on the caulk gun.

Step 8.  When your husband gets home from work three hours later and you are still caulking that freaking bathtub, do not accidentally turn around and put your elbow in the area you just spent an hour caulking and then start crying and screaming obscenities.

Step 9.  When you fail to follow steps 1-8 and the "caulk" you worked so hard to apply turns to goo the first time you take a shower in that bathtub, even though you let it set up for 24 hours just like the instructions said, show the mysterious tube of something-other-than-caulk to your mother-in-law's husband, who will point out that you have sealed the edges of your bathtub with construction adhesive.

Step 10.  Remove all evidence of the construction adhesive goo and call your landlord to see if he'll re-caulk your bathtub for you.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

A Blog to Say I'm Blogging Again

When I go through a long stretch of not posting, I feel like my next post needs to be more and more and more awesome to compensate.  I can't just jump right back in after not saying anything for so long.  That's like running into your best friend from high school and saying, "Oh, hey, how'd you do on that history test in 1982?  I think I did okay on the multiple choice." 

But when I try to create a post of indescribable awesomeness, a post worthy of the buildup I've created during my weeks of not posting, I get stuck in an infinite loop of doubt.  I try to write something worthy of a two-week wait, but then that takes another week to write, so now I have to make it funny enough for three weeks, but then that takes four more days, and it goes on and on and on until my head explodes, or I decide to just give up and go to bed, or Hubs gets home from work and says, "Hey, do you want to watch some Ugly Betty re-runs on Netflix?"  Sometimes all three of those things happen, in that order. 

This time, instead of getting caught up in the infinite loop of doubt, I'm writing a post to catch you up on what I've been doing while not blogging, and then maybe we can just move on like nothing happened and I'm still your favorite blogger ever. 

Here's what I've been up to lately:

1.  I drew a blind monkey for MOV in honor of this post on her blog.

2.  As a perk for being a super-successful, blind-monkey-drawing blogger, I received a copy of MOV's new book, Mom's Had a Rough Day, and have been reading it non-stop for the past 72 hours at great risk to my personal health and safety.  Okay, I might have taken a break to sleep and eat and occasionally go to work (usually in that order).  But seriously, you should pick up a copy*.  It's on Amazon, so you don't even have to get dressed or brush your teeth or drive!

3.  I accidentally re-caulked my bathtub with construction adhesive.  (I actually wrote about it, but then I got stuck in the aforementioned infinite loop of doubt and ended up relegating it to my "Unpublished" folder and writing this post instead.)

4.  I wrote 21,000 words for National Novel Writing Month before stopping altogether because it was Thanksgiving and I was doing important things like playing a three-day-long game of Phase 10 with my in-laws and going to a casino with my parents.  (I wrote about the casino, too.  It's languishing in the "Unpublished" folder right next to "How to Not Caulk Your Bathtub with Construction Adhesive.")

I feel much better now that I've given you guys an update.  I'll be resuming my weekly, mediocre posts soon!  Hey, maybe I'll even get all crazy and post two things in one week.

*I am telling you to buy this book because I am bossy and everything I like is awesome.  No one has asked me to review it or offered to give me stuff in exchange for recommending it or anything like that.  You have my word on that, as a totally professional blogger.  Now that that's cleared up, I'm going to go stalk people on the Internet while eating pre-wrapped slices of cheese, or as I like to call it, "researching the competition."