Friday, April 12, 2013

K is for Kickball

Once upon a time, I loved PE--back when PE consisted of innocent games like tag, and jump rope, and four square.  But in sixth grade, I developed a burning hatred for PE that smolders within me to this day.

It's not that I didn't want to exercise.  I would've done a million jumping jacks if that was what they wanted.  No, I hated PE because all we ever did was play kickball.

We had two gym teachers.  One was tiny and alarmingly muscular; the other was morbidly obese.  At the beginning of each class, they led us through ten minutes of cursory sit-ups and toe-touches, then divided us into teams and barked, "Kickball today!" before adjourning to the other side of the gym for a 50-minute conversation.

Every kid at this school knew all the rules and regulations of kickball by instinct, except me.  It took me two months just to get a general sense of what was considered good and what was considered bad, and even then, I spent most of my time near the back of the gym, with no idea who was winning or losing, hoping with every fiber of my being that the ball wouldn't come toward me.

That ball was my arch nemesis.

In kickball, if you catch your opponent's ball before it hits the ground, they're automatically out.

But from an evolutionary perspective, if an object the size of your head is hurtling toward you, your immediate instinct is not to stand there with your arms spread wide.  Your immediate instinct is to cover your head and flee.

I could not bring myself to catch that ball.  Not once.

My teammates hated me.

But that's okay, because if the earth is ever pelted with blazing asteroids, I will have a distinct advantage.

So in the long run, I win.


  1. Oh man...this was Volleyball for me. The bane of my existence.

    One day I accidentally tapped the ball trying to avoid it and I got a short round of applause from the entire class O_o

  2. When we moved to Indiana, we were appalled to find that kickball is a competitive sport. No joke, girls in grades 3-8 play it, and their mothers can't wait for them to so they can relive the glory days. It's almost worse than the dads with football.
    We played kickball in gym, too, but I was more afraid of dodgeball.

  3. Hated PE. Hated every freaking minute of it. The worst part was when the popular kids got to choose who would be on their teams. I was never the very last person, but I certainly wasn't one of the first.


  4. I LOVE your cartoons!!

  5. At my elementary school, kickball was a recess staple. It was played every day. Every. Single. Day. Eventually I realized it was mostly the cool kids who got to play. So I got in a group that played a version of dodgeball mixed with pickle. It was awesome. But I'm a terrible catch, too.

  6. Hilarious. I think the only thing I hated more than kick ball was DODGE BALL! It was as if being the tall girl came with a sign that read "Please pelt me with all the balls immediately." Geez, I need a drink now.

  7. Thank god I never had to play kickball I was bad enough at netball and rounders. Very funny as usual.
    maggie winter

  8. Oh my gosh, this was me exactly, only substitute volleyball for kickball. I could never, ever do that bump thing with your arms. My teammates, too, hated me. In seventh grade, I lucked out when a little lesbian girl took a shine to me. She was sporty and always gladly stood next to me to get my balls for me. I admit it, I used her for volleyball protection.

  9. Oh man, this is a hilarious post! I enjoy your blog so much. In school, I had a teacher who, for some reason, singled me out for bullying. He would make fun of me constantly, so all the other kids did too. Consequently, I hate all sports.

    #atozchallenge, Kristen's blog: