Sunday, July 31, 2011

Harry Potter Abridged: Deathly Hallows

And now, the much-anticipated conclusion to my Harry Potter Abridged series, on Harry Potter's birthday, no less!  Now I can resume posting my usual subject matter, and all my loyal readers who aren't Harry Potter fans can stop feeling alienated, or at least go back to feeling alienated for different reasons, like the fact that I'm abrasive and awkward.

Anyway, I present to you... Deathly Hallows Abridged!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione spend most of the seventh book tracking down and destroying the horcruxes Voldemort created to split his soul so that he couldn't die.  Well, they spend the first third of the book wandering around aimlessly and hiding from Death Eaters, but then they get down to business and destroy some horcruxes.

Finally, Harry and Voldemort face off at the Battle of Hogwarts, and Harry lets Voldemort kill him, believing this is the only way to fulfill their destinies and keep more people from dying.

This is kind of what happens... except not really.

And then Voldemort tries to kill Harry again, but Harry uses "Expelliarmus!" and Voldemort's curse rebounds on him (just like it did when he tried to murder Harry as a baby... and when he tried to murder Harry five seconds ago...) and kills him.  Some people just don't know when to stop.

Also, Harry finally realizes Snape wasn't evil.  Plus, Snape was in love with Harry's mom.  Awkward.

Too bad he got killed by a giant snake.

The End

Harry Potter Abridged: Half-Blood Prince

The big highlight of Half-Blood Prince is the death of Albus Dumbledore.

You see, in all the previous books, there was always some reason Dumbledore wasn't around to just fix everything with a flick of his wand.

Sorcerer's Stone:  Called away by forged letter while Harry, Ron, and Hermione set off to stop Voldemort stealing the Sorcerer's Stone.
Chamber of Secrets:  Suspended by school governors while Harry and Ron venture into the Chamber of Secrets to stop the basilisk.
Prisoner of Azkaban:  Busy talking to Minister of Magic while Harry and Hermione use the time turner to go back and rescue Buckbeak and Sirius.
Goblet of Fire:  To shake things up a little, Harry is taken away from Dumbledore via a portkey that was planted by a Death Eater.
Order of the Phoenix:  Dumbledore DOES sweep in and resolve pretty much all the book's conflict within just a few pages.

Something had to happen so that Dumbledore wouldn't be able to provide too much help in the final book.  It wasn't going to be very dramatic if Dumbledore was there to say, "Okay, Harry, now you have to sacrifice yourself so that Voldemort will regain his mortality" in chapter one.  And so, in Half-Blood Prince, Dumbledore (who was dying already because he put on a cursed ring) finds out one of his students/Harry's arch-nemesis, Draco Malfoy, has been ordered by Lord Voldemort to kill him ("him" being Dumbledore; I know there were a lot of "hims" in that sentence).  To keep Draco from having to perform this task, he orders Snape to step in and kill him instead, which he does, right in front of Draco.

And it is very sad.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Harry Potter Abridged: Order of the Phoenix

This is not really a summary, but it's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Order of the Phoenix:

Seriously.  Umbridge is freaking scary.  I would rather play Quidditch with Voldemort using a dementor as referee (and while we're at it, let's assume the audience is nothing but Slytherins) than take one step into that woman's office.

For those of you who wanted a real summary, here is basically everything else that happens in the fifth book:

Harry is kind of an angry jerk to everyone.

Sirius dies.

And that's pretty much it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Harry Potter Abridged: Goblet of Fire

This is my quick refresher for those a little rusty on Goblet of Fire.

After an elaborate scheme that involved planting Harry in the Triwizard Tournament, Voldemort is just about to kill Harry when their wands lock together, allowing Harry to narrowly escape.

Er... I mean... Priori Incantatem.  That's what that's called.  (Deus ex machina or not, I still love this book.)

Professor (and ex-Auror) Alastor Moody turns out not to be Moody at all, but one of Voldemort's Death Eaters.  The same Death Eater who planted Harry in the Triwizard Tournament, no less.

The Moody impersonator gets Harry alone and explains all this in a lengthy speech, which allows Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape to come bursting in just as he's lifting his wand to kill Harry.

Harry is sent to the Hospital Wing to recover from a night crammed with trauma way beyond his maturity level.  Oh, and he won a thousand galleons in the aforementioned Triwizard Tournament, since the other Hogwarts champion got murdered by Voldemort right in front of him.

Welcome to your new life with post traumatic stress disorder, Harry.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Harry Potter Abridged: Chamber of Secrets

Our Harry Potter summaries continue with Chamber of Secrets!

Coming next... Prisoner of Azkaban.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Harry Potter Abridged: Sorcerer's Stone

In honor of the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two, I'd like to regale you with a brief summary of each book in the series, so you'll be all caught up in time for the final movie, which we all know will follow the book with absolute precision and would never change or omit anything. 

Here's what you missed if you've never read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone:

Coming soon:  the abridged Chamber of Secrets.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th of July!

I drew you some fireworks.  =)