I went to a casino with my parents last week.
Casinos are full of old people, and people who look like crack addicts, but mostly old people in power chairs. I guess when you've outlived all your loved ones and you're too decrepit to appreciate the beauty of the great outdoors, you cash in your hard-earned retirement checks and go gambling.
I kind of felt like I was at a funeral, except with lots of flashing lights.
Since I'd never been to a casino before, we thought the slot machines would be something easy I could do.
We were wrong.
We sat down at our slot machines. Dad started giving me instructions, and I realized the slot machine required math, which made me instantly resent it.
Just as I was glaring at my slot machine in frustration, a tiny old lady appeared at the machine to my left. She moved with such purpose and conviction, like she'd been doing this every day since the birth of the cosmos. With an expression of intense concentration, she used both hands to push buttons on each side of the machine in a complex pattern akin to morse code, and her machine responded obediently with a series of cheerful beeping noises. I'm pretty sure she won about ten dollars.
She rose from her chair in a businesslike manner and hobbled away with a silent, arthritic grace.
At that point, I decided I was just going to push the same button over and over again until all my money was gone, out of pure spite.
Next time we're thinking about going to a casino, I'm going to suggest we do something a little more fun with our money.
And we won't even have to leave the house!
***Disclaimer: I did not actually gamble with any of my own money. I am still as broke as I claim to be. My kind-hearted father, on the other hand, is out fifty bucks.