Dear Human Female,
I can't help but notice that you are frequently overcome with a sudden, strong urge to pet me. While I can certainly understand your desire to bring your misshapen monkey hands in contact with my sheer splendor, I must ask that you do not bypass my cursory hand-sniff, as you so often do. You must have noticed by now that it irks me to no end when you proceed to paw at me without first undergoing the proper procedure.
The cursory hand-sniff serves a few purposes. I don't know what you do when you're gone all day (speaking of which, why can't I go out there, again?), and ensuring your hands are clean saves me an extra bath. Plus, there might be some delicious food left on your hands that I could lick off. I think that's a fair trade for allowing you to make physical contact with me.
Don't misunderstand me. I quite enjoy your displays of affection. I just need you to be more respectful of my personal bubble.
Afterword: I have finally reached the stage of mental deterioration in which my cats' points of view seem to make more interesting subject matter than my own.