Monday, January 10, 2011

How to Repeal the 14th Amendment

People have been talking a lot lately about repealing the 14th Amendment, or part of it, or something like that.  Many people are upset because from that point forward, children born in the U.S. to non-U.S. citizens will not automatically be citizens.  However, I feel obligated to come forth and reveal that I have devised a foolproof way to repeal the 14th Amendment so that no one will be unfairly targeted.

1.  Apply the repeal retroactively.  For example, if someone's great-great-grandfather came to the United States and didn't bother to obtain a green card, all subsequent generations of that family will now be illegal aliens.  (Actually, I don't think they were even using green cards back then--lazy immigrants!)  Incidentally, this will solve the long-standing issue of those colonists who thought they could just waltz right in and start populating the place, not to mention all those people who say their ancestors came here on the Bering Land Bridge.  Show me this "Bering Land Bridge" and then maybe I'll believe you.

2.  Actively deport all these new illegal aliens.  The United States population will dramatically decrease, leaving only those currently in possession of a valid green card and their offspring.  The remaining true Americans will find that many of society's pressing problems--such as housing shortages, unemployment, and scarce resources--have miraculously worked themselves out, leaving the foundation for a Utopian society.

3.  Unfortunately, illegal aliens have intermarried to the extent that many of them will not have a single country of origin.  For example, one individual may need to be deported to Ireland, Germany, Sweden, and Norway.  This is the perfect opportunity to reinstate the tried-and-true practice of drawing and quartering.  That way, each parent country will receive its fair share.

Hey, I said no one would be unfairly targeted.  I didn't say no one would be dead.

This post in no way reflects the actual political views of the author.  Unless you consider sarcasm a political view.

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