Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Build Your Own Snowman in 6 Realistic Steps

1.  Find a deep-looking patch of snow and start raking it together into a deformed lump.  Pat it down frequently so the snow will become securely packed.

2.  Once you've got a nice base, start packing more snow on top, covering a slightly smaller area.  This will be the torso.  The torso will probably fall off at least a dozen times.  Try to suppress your mounting rage.  Concentration is key!

3.  When/If the torso seems secure, gradually pack more snow onto it, covering an even smaller area.  This will be the head.  If the torso fell off a dozen times, the head will fall off at least 32 times.  Snowman building is a lesson in persistence.

4.  Add eyes, arms, a mouth, a nose, and maybe a scarf or some buttons.

5.  Step back and admire your creation.  Realize your creation is a lumpy, hulking mass of sheer terror.  It seems to be writhing miserably right before your eyes, rasping, "What have you done?  Pleeeeaaase kill meeee."  You could try to rebuild it, maybe perform some crude reconstructive surgery, but that would only prolong this unfortunate creature's agony.  You know the world will never understand him.

6.  Kick your snowman over and discreetly smooth out the snow.  Calmly walk back indoors.  Never mention to your friends or family that you created a mutant snowman who begged you to end his suffering.


In case you're interested, the actual snowman I built the day I wrote this post looked like this.

Then we got some more snow, which proceeded to start melting, transforming him into Jabba the Snowman.

1 comment:

  1. LOVE Jabba....wish he could have met Lola the snowmaiden....with her pretty bonnet and necklace....*sigh* alas she ended up looking like jabba's mate anyway before her ultimate energy exchange....