I am acronym-challenged. For a long time, the only Web acronyms I understood were "lol" and "btw." For half that time, I labored under the delusion I had personally invented "btw" while writing a note in seventh grade. I was in my early twenties before I finally worked out the long ones like "lmao" and "rotfl."
Because of my inability to understand acronyms, this is what Facebook statuses look like to me:
Ashley So-and-So Just got back from GLORPFRL and I'm ADGOHSIDHG so hard!
Matt What's-His-Face Can't wait to ORGLFN this weekend with Stacy Anonymous!
Brittney GenericLastName I'm so UNDBLF it's the weekend! Time to QWBTRK with the fam!
How do people come up with this stuff? I recently saw a status on Facebook that contained the cryptic letters "IMHO." At first I thought this person was confessing that he is, in fact, a ho. But Ari said it meant "In My Honest Opinion."
Seriously?! Who came up with that? Was there a secret meeting in which all the cool people decided the letters "IMHO" would henceforth mean "In My Honest Opinion" to everyone in the known universe? Right now, off the top of my head, I can think of at least three other things "IMHO" could mean (four if you count "I'm a Ho").
In My Home Office
I Miss Having Orgies
I Might Have Osteoporosis
Do you want people to think you miss having orgies? Of course not! (Well, maybe you do, but you really shouldn't put that on Facebook.) Acronyms can be detrimental to your reputation.
Some people seem to think they can just make up whatever acronyms they want. And it's not just on the Internet. I was at work one time when I saw someone had made a note on a box: "Wait to unpack ITM."
In the time it took me to realize "ITM" meant "In The Morning," the author of that note could have just written "in the morning" about five times. I wonder what was happening that caused them to be in such a hurry. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it was something extremely important.
Whenever I see an acronym from now on, I'm just going to imagine the pandemonium that must have been ensuing as it was written.
I would also like to introduce a new acronym of my own: YAAS.
"YAAS" stands for "Your Acronyms Are Stupid." Next time you see someone abusing acronyms, you can give them a taste of their own medicine by responding with YAAS. At that point, they'll probably ask you, "WDTM?" ("What Does That Mean?"). And you'll say, "Pff! You don't know what YAAS means?! You're so uncool. We're not inviting you to any of the secret acronym meetings anymore." Or, if you're being chased by a saber-tooth tiger and need to save time, "Pff! YDKWYAASM? YSU! WNIYTAOFTSAMA!"
This is of utmost importance. Please go forth and flood the Internet with YAAS. It's okay if everybody forgets that YAAS originated on this blog and attributes it to some middle schooler instead. We've got to fight acronyms with acronyms!