Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Toilet Paper Spool was Clearly Meant to be a Stand

I now bring you my long-anticipated post about toilet paper.  I'm typically pretty traditional in my household preferences:  no spots on the dishes, no clutter lying around (unfortunately I'm physically incapable of sticking to that one), and so on.  So you might be surprised when I tell you I never put the toilet paper on the spool.  I am, I confess, one of those people who just leave it resting on top of the spool.

Before you denounce me as a heretic, hear me out.  Below are ten whole reasons why the toilet paper spool was clearly meant to be a stand.

1.  When the toilet paper is on the spool, you end up spinning and spinning it endlessly, waiting for it to unravel, only to realize you've been spinning it in the wrong direction the whole time.  I bet over the course of a person's lifetime, they spend at least a day spinning toilet paper in the wrong direction.

2.  Even once you've found the beginning, sometimes you pull slightly too hard, and way too much toilet paper unravels.  Then you have to painstakingly roll the toilet paper back up, but no matter how meticulous you are about this, it never goes back quite the way it was.  I bet over the course of a person's lifetime, they spend an additional day trying to roll toilet paper back up.

3.  Still worse is when all that extra toilet paper you didn't mean to pull off breaks.  Then you feel obliged to fold it and set it on top of the spool so the next person can use it.  Inevitably, it just gets knocked in the floor and ends up spending the remainder of its lonely existence crumpled in a remote corner of the bathroom.

4.  Putting a new roll of toilet paper on the spool takes a good 5-10 seconds.  Usually, the spool springs into two pieces the moment you release it from its holder, and you have to go chasing these errant halves across the bathroom and reassemble them.  I bet over the course of a person's lifetime, they spend at least half a day chasing toilet paper spools across bathrooms.  All this for the convenience of having toilet paper that spins.

5.  When you just set the toilet paper roll upright on the spool, it's still right there where you need it.  Except now, (6.) instead of spinning it endlessly, you can just pick it up and control exactly how much toilet paper you tear off.

7.  Sure, there's the risk the toilet paper might get dropped in the floor, but when you accidentally unravel too much toilet paper as outlined in Point 2, it also touches the floor then.  Besides, how nasty is your bathroom floor that you can't even let a roll of toilet paper touch it for one second?  Clean your disgusting bathroom!

8.  Not to mention, using the toilet paper spool as a toilet paper stand saves time and energy.  Think of all the things you could do with the 2.5 days of your life you're getting back!

9.  When you use an object for something other than its intended use with the intention of making a process more convenient and/or efficient, that's called "innovation."  When you use your toilet paper spool as a toilet paper stand instead, you're being innovative.  It looks great on a resume.

10.  When toilet paper isn't on the spool, your cat can't derive endless hours of amusement from unraveling it.

Don't let society dictate what you do with your toilet paper.  Or your roommate, or mom, or significant other.  The toilet paper revolution begins now!


  1. LOL!! Worth the wait! Keep it up!!!!

  2. Another uproariously good laugh, awesome read....I love Haley's Comic! and I love You!

  3. Love you too Mum! We're so looking forward to our visit this week!