Thursday, April 28, 2011

Aunthood > Motherhood

I'm going to begin this post by telling you that I actually wrote another post about neti pots recently, which turned out much better than the post you're about to read.  What you're about to read is something I wrote in honor of my best friend, Emily, who became an aunt last month.  (Congratulations, Emily!)  Unfortunately, I just didn't like the way this turned out when I initially wrote it, so I saved it for a time like now, when I'm really desperate to post something. 

You see, I'd intended to come home from work last night, do the illustrations for my post about neti pots (which you are now going to expect to be much funnier than it really is, because I've now made the mistake of mentioning it to you in advance and allowing you to form expectations), and then post it.  Instead, I came home and got a call from my mom, who lives in Alabama, telling me there had been something like 130 tornadoes there and pretty much the whole north half of the state was without electricity.  Also, people died.  Fortunately my parents and grandparents are fine.  Long story short, this storm was supposed to hit North Carolina last night, and we live in a trailer, so we packed up our cats and went to stay with our extremely nice neighbors who live in a real house.  And that's what I did last night instead of illustrating my blog post.  This is the first time in ages that I actually had a valid excuse not to do something.  For the record, the storm broke up over the mountains, and things up here are fine.  Yay mountains!

So here, to hold you over, is that other post, which I've edited a little.  I'm still not thrilled with it, but I'm starting to feel really guilty about only posting one thing this month, so at least this is something.  (Because I know that when I don't post something new, you all just sit in front of your computers, staring blankly at my unchanged page in a state of suspended animation.  And I just can't live with the weight of that on my shoulders.  Your families and employers must wonder what has happened to you.)

 Aunthood > Motherhood

Aunthood is like getting a brand new car but never having to pay for gasoline or insurance.  When I was growing up, my mom really seemed to have the raw end of the deal:  she had to do all the boring stuff, like drive me to band practice, or go to the grocery store.  My aunt, on the other hand, was the person who took me to see The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas when I was twelve and bought me fries and a shake at McDonald's at 10:00 PM.  Compared to moms, aunts have the best job ever. 

Think about it.

  • No pregnancy or child labor required.
  • Kids think you're way cooler than their parents, yet you did basically nothing.
  • It's okay to be a crazy aunt.  Try being a crazy mom and suddenly Social Services is all up in your case.
  • You don't have to spend any money on them unless you feel like it.
  • You can blow them off whenever you want.
  • You get all the satisfaction of participating with the next generation and imparting your lifetime of wisdom.  Then you hand the next generation back over to their parents when they get annoying.
  • You can ignore them until they're old enough to hold an adult conversation and go to the bathroom on their own.

  • Your kids spend most of their lives being completely ungrateful for everything you did for them, like, say, pushing them out a ten-centimeter opening in your body.  Then they're embarrassed of you for the majority of their adult lives.
  • Pregnancy and childbirth are pretty much mandatory, unless you want to pay someone to do it for you.  But that usually goes pretty badly when people try to do it on TV or in movies.
  • You can't ignore them when they're too young to hold an adult conversation or go to the bathroom on their own.
  • You can't get rid of them at the end of the day.  They live with you.
  • Kids are really, really expensive.  You could fund your retirement with what it costs to raise kids.  (This statistic provided courtesy of my brain.)

As you can see, there's pretty much no reason to choose motherhood over aunthood, although I guess some of you have to choose motherhood so the rest of us can be aunts.  So thanks, mothers, for taking one for the team.  That's really nice of you.


  1. YAY NETIPOT! I'm really looking forward to that now.

    Also, as someone extremely opposed to having kids I thoroughly enjoyed this post. I'll probably never be an aunt though :(

  2. Don't feel bad... I probably won't, either. I'm an only child, and my sister-in-law has MS, so it would be really dangerous for her to try to have kids. Which is ironic, because of the two of us, she's the one who actually likes kids.