Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Cult Marketing

Lately I've been formulating a master plan for my blog.  It goes something like this. 

1.  Make my blog look way cooler than it actually is.
2.  Get lots and lots of followers.  Or maybe just get my followers into the double digits.  That would be good, too.
3.  Magically attract some people to sponsor my blog so I can say this is a real job.

I started trying to think of other organizations that have really effective marketing, and one type of organization immediately came to mind:  cults.  Every day, cults convince people to follow them blindly, which is exactly what I'm trying to do!  And I'm not even asking anyone to ride away on a spaceship (mainly because I can't afford a spaceship).  All I want people to do is subscribe to my blog and stop in every once in a while to tell me how funny I am.

So I asked myself:  What are all these cults doing to make themselves so successful?

Cults are creepy.  When talking about my blog, try to use the most creepy language possible.  Broach the topic by saying something like, "Hello, friend.  May I take a moment of your time to share something that has really changed my life?  It's this wonderful, hilarious blog called Haley's Comic.  It's LIKE a comic, except with more words…" and you know the rest.  This will work even better if the other person is a total stranger.

Cults print pamphlets and fliers.  AND the pamphlets contain questions that everyone in the world would answer "yes" to.  Here's a flier I drew that you can distribute to your family, friends, and co-workers.  And don't forget to leave them at local businesses and other public places.


Cults promise you something really cool.  Usually it's eternal salvation or something like that.  However, I can offer something really cool, too.  ENDORPHINS.  If you read my blog, you will laugh because it is extremely witty, and when you laugh, your body releases endorphins, which make you feel happy.  When you feel happy, you think your life sucks less.  Since perception is reality, you could say reading my blog makes your life suck less!

Cults ask you to do things.  No one wants to be part of some boring movement that lets you spend your time however you want.  Therefore, I'm going to set demands for you guys to meet in order to enjoy all the perks of reading my blog (to recap, those consist of endorphins, and feeling like your life sucks less). 

1.  Tell people about my blog.  Remember to use creepy language as outlined above.

2.  Make my blog seem like it's EVERYWHERE.  In addition to handing out my nifty fliers, you can also mention my blog online, link to it, and share my posts on Facebook.  I suggest ending all your online conversations with, "I know exactly what you mean!  Here's a link to a blog post which is completely unrelated to this conversation!"  I find that it sounds very natural.

3.  Comment on my posts.  I'll accept pretty much anything as a comment, even if you just drop in and say something like, "BANANA!"  As a matter of fact, when I see your comment I'll probably get really excited and yell something like, "Everyone loves me!  Who's awesome NOW?" at my cats.

4.  Follow my blog.  Some of you think you have valid excuses for not following my blog, like "I don't have a Google account" or "Your blog sucks."  You should completely disregard those thoughts, though, because a blog is kind of like a store.  I used to work in a tiny store where you could see all the way inside from the entrance.  When the store was empty, it would stay empty forever, because all the passersby would look in and think, "That store is empty.  It must be the most horrible place on earth."  But once just one person came in, five more people would come in just moments later, because they looked inside and thought, "Hey, there's a person in there!  That place must have something really cool!  Maybe they're giving away nuggets of gold!  I should go in there!"  So the more followers my blog has, the more readers will think, "This blog must not suck nearly as much as I thought!  I should follow it, too!"  Plus, when you follow my blog, you can get an update whenever I post instead of having to stalk my page and feel depressed every time you check but there's nothing new. 

It's all part of my master plan.  Now go forth, my little blog cult!


  1. BANANA!

    Also, I love the last part about the store...haha. So true. Those people...ruining my reading times.

  2. And that would always happen right at closing! How did they know?

  3. I am so glad I joined your cult. I just hope I don't have to drink the Kool-aid!

  4. Welcome aboard, Margie! Don't worry, no Kool-Aid yet. Too difficult to distribute it online. =)

  5. You don't like alarm clocks??!! What an amazing coincidence! I have found my people. Sign me up.