Monday, January 28, 2013

Pseudo-Philosophical Mumbo Jumbo: A Guest Post by Hubs

The following is a guest post by Hubs, i.e. my husband Ari, despite his attempts to delude you into believing otherwise.  (You'll see.)  I would give a brief explanation of how Hubs came to be guest posting on my blog, but he covers that later.  I should warn you, however, that Hubs is one of those writers who loves to deliberately confuse his readers.

For example, after he submitted the rough draft of this post to me and I was editing it, we had this conversation:

"This paragraph is so confusing--I can't even articulate why this confuses me."
"That's because you're not smart."
"You're just being a little too wordy, and it's convoluting your message."
"You're just not smart."

That said, Ari is a good writer.  He's had blogs before, which he tends to abandon after only posting once or twice, because he's really more of a fiction writer.  But I hope this short collaboration (his writing, my illustrations) will lead to more in the future.

So here, without further ado, but with due warning, is a guest post by Ari Wolfe.


Let's be perfectly honest with ourselves here. I'm not Haley. At least I'm "not her" insomuch as we have separate bodies, despite having largely merged into one two-headed amorphous blob.

I am The Hubs.

No, not him. ME.

That beard-thing takes forever to draw. I hope you're happy.

This is what is called a guest post. I'm not much of a blogger. When introduced to the word "blogosphere," I laughed. I made a stupid joke that went something like, "Between which two layers of the atmosphere does the blogosphere reside?"

Thank you for this helpful and educational image, which I found via a Google image search and defiled with my simplistic scribbling.

Like a normal person, Haley tends to get bored while showering. Or lonely, I don't know. She regularly insists that I sit in the bathroom to keep her company, which mostly involves me sitting or standing on the toilet and trying to have a conversation with someone whose face is being covered by a spray of hot water. The idea for me to write a guest post was posited during one such shower time. I asked her to include a drawing of this moment. She refused. For some reason.

Because I enjoy recursive humor and making fun of just about everything, I proposed writing a guest post about guest posting. She refused… at first. CHECK ONE VICTORY FOR ME.

So how does one write a guest post about guest posting? We discussed, and came up with, some really awesome ideas. I didn't write down a single one, so here's this pseudo-philosophical mumbo jumbo instead.

Blogs exist in their little bubble between the mesosphere and the thermosphere, possessing no substance save that which we give them. A writer on the Internet, blogger or not, is only as real as we perceive them to be. I know that my wife is real. I know that I am real. For those few of you reading this who know us both, you can confirm that as fact. Everyone else must take in good faith that as they scroll down Haley's Comic, the words and images they see laid out were created not by some very impressive facsimile of a person, but by a real living, breathing human being.

I'm not suggesting that the writing was done by a super intelligent computer program, but rather that it might be written by someone other than the person you believe to be writing it. Haley's Comic presents one wholly unique premise that its readership must choose to accept or not to accept. That Haley, and by extension those she writes about, are real. That her personality is as she presents it in written form. It is up to the reader to choose whether "Haley" is a character or not. A blog need not be fact. Fiction presents us with stories from a particular character (or characters') point of view.

However, that entire paragraph was pointless, because Haley is Haley, and I am not Haley. Or am I?

A guest post is only a guest post if you BELIEVE that it is a guest post. If I am not The Hubs as I claim to be, but rather Haley, then this is not a guest post. If The Hubs and Haley are the same person, then this is not a guest post. Of course it IS a guest post, so now we're getting needlessly recursive. This statement is false. BAM! Mind blown.

This guest post needs more art!

Ari's instructions for this illustration were, "Ari riding a T-Rex that is stepping on a bear while Ari fries a second bear with HEAT VISION. Bogo rides on his shoulder just to make the drawing extra complicated to piss Haley off."

For her next featured guest poster I was thinking Haley could use one of our cats. They sure seem to walk on our laptops enough. Maybe they think they're typing? Or Zombie Bob! He could do a guest post.

No, that would just be "Brains" repeated over and over again. Well I suppose for now you'll be stuck with me on the rare occasion I decide to do this.

Next I'll probably tell you about the time I got arrested. Haley always tells it wrong. Wait, if I'm Haley, does that mean I always tell it wrong?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled(*) programming.

(*)Scheduled programming may be preempted or altered without notification.


  1. Looks (and sounds) like you are married to a funny guy - I am also. It makes like interesting!

  2. Everything is starting to make sense now....

    You guys found your lobster! (but seeing as you're practically fetuses, I'm wondering if you even know what I'm talking about).

    I'm so old.

    1. I believe I recognize that as a Friends reference! I grew up watching Rachel and Ross break up and get back together (notwithstanding the time they were "on a break").

  3. You my friend are a genius writer. I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog. Thank you so much for making my day :) You have a follower from me.