Ari and I realized something about ourselves the other day. No matter how many conveniences we surround ourselves with, we somehow manage to render them all completely useless. I can think of only one logical explanation: we must be geniuses.
The most recent example of this is the dishwasher--or lack thereof. At first, we were nervous about moving into a house with no dishwasher. In retrospect, I don't know what we thought we'd be missing. Our dishwasher in the old apartment basically served as a holding facility for clean dishes. I'll never understand why we were so repulsed by the prospect of lifting the clean dishes three feet into the kitchen cabinets. Instead, we piled our dirty dishes in the sink, almost as if we had no dishwasher. I knew the sink had reached maximum capacity one day when I needed a bowl of water for pasta, but the dishes were piled so high my bowl could no longer fit under the faucet. That didn't motivate me to do the dishes, though--I just used the little sprayer thing instead. (Retrieving the sprayer without toppling our precarious tower of dishes was like playing a game of Operation, where the penalty for touching the sides was being splattered with tepid dishwater and food remnants.) Only when we'd used all the clean dishes in the dishwasher did we dismantle Dish Mountain and start the cycle again. Honestly, having no dishwasher hasn't been much of an adjustment.
Then there's the Roomba. Just by looking at the inside of our house, you'd never know we have a robot vacuum that will clean the floors for us at the push of a button. The Roomba has made the actual task of vacuuming much more convenient, but there's one catch--we still have to maintain reasonably clutter-free floors so that our Roomba can operate. This is just asking too much. Are we supposed to believe that when we stomp through the front door and kick off our mud-and-ice encrusted shoes, we should leave our gloves somewhere other than the floor? Are there really people out there who walk an additional 5-10 feet to the nearest available surface for the sake of maintaining an operable living space? I always thought that only happened in commercials. Here's a quick rundown of the junk in our living room floor at this very moment: several empty cardboard boxes; two bags of bedding that are supposed to be in the guest room; one giant cardboard box that still has stuff in it; a bulging bag of clothes for GoodWill; a box of crackers; a stack of books; Ari's portable DVD player; assorted socks, gloves, and detachable hoods; and our holiday tree, still completely decorated, although I did have the class to move it from the table to the floor. When we bought our Roomba nearly a year ago, I thought we'd start vacuuming once a week. We do well to vacuum once a month, and vacuuming, while no longer difficult in itself, is usually accompanied by a massive 24-hour purge in which we return things to their proper places--or at least toss them on top of the furniture so they'll be out of Roomba's way.
Procrastination always trumps technology. No matter how convenient the movers and shakers of our generation make something, we procrastinators will always find a way to keep it complicated. It's the one area in which we always manage to be a step ahead.
Monday, January 17, 2011
A Letter from My Cat: Dieting
Dear Human Female,
I just want to let you know, my diet has been very effective over the past few months. I've been much more active lately. I even jumped onto Human Male's desk yesterday from the floor, and I could tell that really impressed you. So you can probably feed me a little more now. I can't help but notice you eat three meals a day, and I only eat two. Maybe Human Male could share some of his lunch meat. And milk. Those are good sources of protein and calcium for me. You wouldn't want me to become malnourished.
Affectionately,
Bette
p.s. You know, in some cultures, corpulence is a sign of prosperity.
I just want to let you know, my diet has been very effective over the past few months. I've been much more active lately. I even jumped onto Human Male's desk yesterday from the floor, and I could tell that really impressed you. So you can probably feed me a little more now. I can't help but notice you eat three meals a day, and I only eat two. Maybe Human Male could share some of his lunch meat. And milk. Those are good sources of protein and calcium for me. You wouldn't want me to become malnourished.
Affectionately,
Bette
p.s. You know, in some cultures, corpulence is a sign of prosperity.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A Letter from My Cat: The Candle
Dear Human Female,
I like your candle. It smells like Ocean Breeze.
Keep it forever.
Sincerely,
Bogo
I like your candle. It smells like Ocean Breeze.
Keep it forever.
Sincerely,
Bogo
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Build Your Own Snowman in 6 Realistic Steps
1. Find a deep-looking patch of snow and start raking it together into a deformed lump. Pat it down frequently so the snow will become securely packed.
2. Once you've got a nice base, start packing more snow on top, covering a slightly smaller area. This will be the torso. The torso will probably fall off at least a dozen times. Try to suppress your mounting rage. Concentration is key!
3. When/If the torso seems secure, gradually pack more snow onto it, covering an even smaller area. This will be the head. If the torso fell off a dozen times, the head will fall off at least 32 times. Snowman building is a lesson in persistence.
4. Add eyes, arms, a mouth, a nose, and maybe a scarf or some buttons.
5. Step back and admire your creation. Realize your creation is a lumpy, hulking mass of sheer terror. It seems to be writhing miserably right before your eyes, rasping, "What have you done? Pleeeeaaase kill meeee." You could try to rebuild it, maybe perform some crude reconstructive surgery, but that would only prolong this unfortunate creature's agony. You know the world will never understand him.
6. Kick your snowman over and discreetly smooth out the snow. Calmly walk back indoors. Never mention to your friends or family that you created a mutant snowman who begged you to end his suffering.
3. When/If the torso seems secure, gradually pack more snow onto it, covering an even smaller area. This will be the head. If the torso fell off a dozen times, the head will fall off at least 32 times. Snowman building is a lesson in persistence.
~*~
In case you're interested, the actual snowman I built the day I wrote this post looked like this.
Then we got some more snow, which proceeded to start melting, transforming him into Jabba the Snowman.
Monday, January 10, 2011
How to Repeal the 14th Amendment
People have been talking a lot lately about repealing the 14th Amendment, or part of it, or something like that. Many people are upset because from that point forward, children born in the U.S. to non-U.S. citizens will not automatically be citizens. However, I feel obligated to come forth and reveal that I have devised a foolproof way to repeal the 14th Amendment so that no one will be unfairly targeted.
1. Apply the repeal retroactively. For example, if someone's great-great-grandfather came to the United States and didn't bother to obtain a green card, all subsequent generations of that family will now be illegal aliens. (Actually, I don't think they were even using green cards back then--lazy immigrants!) Incidentally, this will solve the long-standing issue of those colonists who thought they could just waltz right in and start populating the place, not to mention all those people who say their ancestors came here on the Bering Land Bridge. Show me this "Bering Land Bridge" and then maybe I'll believe you.
2. Actively deport all these new illegal aliens. The United States population will dramatically decrease, leaving only those currently in possession of a valid green card and their offspring. The remaining true Americans will find that many of society's pressing problems--such as housing shortages, unemployment, and scarce resources--have miraculously worked themselves out, leaving the foundation for a Utopian society.
3. Unfortunately, illegal aliens have intermarried to the extent that many of them will not have a single country of origin. For example, one individual may need to be deported to Ireland, Germany, Sweden, and Norway. This is the perfect opportunity to reinstate the tried-and-true practice of drawing and quartering. That way, each parent country will receive its fair share.
Hey, I said no one would be unfairly targeted. I didn't say no one would be dead.
This post in no way reflects the actual political views of the author. Unless you consider sarcasm a political view.
1. Apply the repeal retroactively. For example, if someone's great-great-grandfather came to the United States and didn't bother to obtain a green card, all subsequent generations of that family will now be illegal aliens. (Actually, I don't think they were even using green cards back then--lazy immigrants!) Incidentally, this will solve the long-standing issue of those colonists who thought they could just waltz right in and start populating the place, not to mention all those people who say their ancestors came here on the Bering Land Bridge. Show me this "Bering Land Bridge" and then maybe I'll believe you.
2. Actively deport all these new illegal aliens. The United States population will dramatically decrease, leaving only those currently in possession of a valid green card and their offspring. The remaining true Americans will find that many of society's pressing problems--such as housing shortages, unemployment, and scarce resources--have miraculously worked themselves out, leaving the foundation for a Utopian society.
3. Unfortunately, illegal aliens have intermarried to the extent that many of them will not have a single country of origin. For example, one individual may need to be deported to Ireland, Germany, Sweden, and Norway. This is the perfect opportunity to reinstate the tried-and-true practice of drawing and quartering. That way, each parent country will receive its fair share.
Hey, I said no one would be unfairly targeted. I didn't say no one would be dead.
This post in no way reflects the actual political views of the author. Unless you consider sarcasm a political view.
Who Should You Eat First?
Plus: 3 Ways to Avoid Being Eaten
With a major winter storm bearing down upon us here in the North Carolina mountains, I feel like my fiance and I need to have a plan. People in the Southeast have prepared for the snow in the traditional way, by clearing out the grocery store shelves and buying those little plastic sleds for their kids. But let's not forget one of the most important questions to ask yourself when faced with imminent snowy doom. Who should I eat first--my significant other or my pets?
This is always a toughie, so I'll walk you through the common pros and cons.
Eating your significant other:
PRO: You can reason with him so he'll understand he's sacrificing his life for your survival.
PRO: He's bigger than the average-sized pet, so he'll last much longer.
CON: Once you put the idea out there, he may turn the tables and want to eat you.
CON: If your significant other earns more than you do, eating him might not be a good idea. Always examine your finances carefully before eating your significant other.
CON: I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you will go to prison.
Eating your pets:
PRO: Again, I'm no expert, but you probably won't go to prison, or at least not for as long.
PRO: You and your significant other get to live.
CON: You can't reason with your pets. They probably will not understand that they are making a noble sacrifice for your survival.
CON: Even if your pets do understand what you're asking them to do, they probably will not be supportive. Pets have a much better chance of surviving in the wild than humans, so they'd probably rather just escape and take their chances.
CON: You really won't get all that much nourishment from eating your pets. They'll probably taste gamey and awful. A few hours later, you'll be hungry again, and you'll have to live with gut-wrenching guilt for the rest of your life. However, the rest of your life probably will not amount to much, since your pets didn't provide enough sustenance and you're still going to starve.
In both cases, there are more cons than pros. Looks like the best course of action is not to eat your significant other or pets. But be vigilant in case they aren't as sympathetic toward you. That brings me to my next winter storm topic.
How to keep your significant other and/or pets from eating you:
1. Don't hoard food. This may give you a short-term advantage, but ultimately, you're just fattening yourself up for your housemates' nourishment.
2. Go easy on personal hygiene. This shouldn't be too hard, since you'll probably lose power and possibly water as well. A grimy, smelly person who hasn't shaved in a while is much less appetizing.
3. Make yourself an asset. Volunteer to perform tasks like fire-building and scavenging. Your housemates will be reluctant to eat you if you're useful.
Winter can be a magical time of sledding, ice skating, and drinking hot chocolate. If you're prepared, being snowed in can actually be a lot of fun. Just remember: don't eat anyone, and try not to get eaten.
With a major winter storm bearing down upon us here in the North Carolina mountains, I feel like my fiance and I need to have a plan. People in the Southeast have prepared for the snow in the traditional way, by clearing out the grocery store shelves and buying those little plastic sleds for their kids. But let's not forget one of the most important questions to ask yourself when faced with imminent snowy doom. Who should I eat first--my significant other or my pets?
This is always a toughie, so I'll walk you through the common pros and cons.
Eating your significant other:
PRO: You can reason with him so he'll understand he's sacrificing his life for your survival.
PRO: He's bigger than the average-sized pet, so he'll last much longer.
CON: Once you put the idea out there, he may turn the tables and want to eat you.
CON: If your significant other earns more than you do, eating him might not be a good idea. Always examine your finances carefully before eating your significant other.
CON: I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you will go to prison.
Eating your pets:
PRO: Again, I'm no expert, but you probably won't go to prison, or at least not for as long.
PRO: You and your significant other get to live.
CON: You can't reason with your pets. They probably will not understand that they are making a noble sacrifice for your survival.
CON: Even if your pets do understand what you're asking them to do, they probably will not be supportive. Pets have a much better chance of surviving in the wild than humans, so they'd probably rather just escape and take their chances.
CON: You really won't get all that much nourishment from eating your pets. They'll probably taste gamey and awful. A few hours later, you'll be hungry again, and you'll have to live with gut-wrenching guilt for the rest of your life. However, the rest of your life probably will not amount to much, since your pets didn't provide enough sustenance and you're still going to starve.
In both cases, there are more cons than pros. Looks like the best course of action is not to eat your significant other or pets. But be vigilant in case they aren't as sympathetic toward you. That brings me to my next winter storm topic.
How to keep your significant other and/or pets from eating you:
1. Don't hoard food. This may give you a short-term advantage, but ultimately, you're just fattening yourself up for your housemates' nourishment.
2. Go easy on personal hygiene. This shouldn't be too hard, since you'll probably lose power and possibly water as well. A grimy, smelly person who hasn't shaved in a while is much less appetizing.
3. Make yourself an asset. Volunteer to perform tasks like fire-building and scavenging. Your housemates will be reluctant to eat you if you're useful.
Winter can be a magical time of sledding, ice skating, and drinking hot chocolate. If you're prepared, being snowed in can actually be a lot of fun. Just remember: don't eat anyone, and try not to get eaten.
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