I can hide people from my Facebook newsfeed.
The first thing I did with my new power was to scroll through my newsfeed, gleefully hiding all the people who post too many baby pictures. After that, I was satisfied... for a while.
Then the other night, Ari was complaining about someone posting melodramatic statuses, and I shared my new power of online destruction with him, too. Then I said, "[unnamed friend] always posts really emo statuses in my newsfeed, but I feel kind of bad hiding her."
"You should do it."
(I get on Facebook.)
"Ugh, [other unnamed friend] just posted a really long status. S/He always does that."
"BANISH THIS PERSON."
Apparently, this power is just too great for Ari and I to wield responsibly. The list of people exiled from my newsfeed has now grown to include people whose statuses are too long, people who use too many emoticons, people whose statuses are too emo, people who post too many forwards, and people who are more successful than I am.
If Facebook were real life, our world would probably look like this right now:
|Yes, it is lava.|